As life gets busier and busier, I convince myself that I can do without my regular gym workout. I get a lot done at home in that hour and a half I usually spend running, spinning, lifting and core-strengthening. My house gets clean. I run errands in peace. It's lovely...until I have a mental breakdown. Today was no exception. It hit me hard. Here was the conversation I had with myself:
"This kid talks too much. He never leaves my side. HELP ME-I'M BEING SMOTHERRRRRED! Maybe I should just put down this dust mop and run for the hills. Better yet, I should get a job. At a real job, I would accomplish things and people would notice and I would get paid. People would respond to my questions and maybe behave like I am actually a real person-not a food request/complaint box. Yeah. A job. Then people couldn't say things like " I wish I could sit and play with my child all day-that must be so fun" and "How do you do it!? I would go crazy at home..." And, I wouldn't have to answer with lies about how sweet everyone is and how special it is to be home and how I always hug and kiss and reassure my adoring children. Yep. A job..."
Then, the thought escalates into how angry I am that nobody does anything ( discounting the fact that I won't let anyone do anything because I want it all done by me, or not at all).
Up next, I focus on all the things I should be doing, but don't-like only eating vegetables, but making sure my family always has fresh, homemade bread with dinner and homemade cookies for snacks after school ( both are impossible to do at the same time, I assure you).
Gradually, I reach a point where I have convinced myself that I am the world's worst mother, wife, and member of my community--and it's all everyone else's fault.
If I am lucky, I have a little voice in the back of my head that responds to the madness with " Why are you so angry?"
"Hmmm...maybe you should get your behind back to the gym, and like people again. Maybe."
If I can stop the overflow of fury for a moment, I realize life is pretty fulfilling. My kids are great, my husband works hard to support us. I have amazing friends. We have our health. ( although I am lacking a little sanity) I take a breath. I set a goal. I feel better.
I can't wait to take my tired, angry, irrational self to the gym tomorrow and sweat out the madness-and the multiple personality disorder.
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I so hear you on the gym! I have not been in waaay too long because I let life get in the way. And while I do not get to be a stay at home mama (as my husband is in school still, so its my job to bring home the bacon ;), I would SO love to be. Not because i think it would be easier than work, but rather because I think it is such an important job. I want to be the one to raise my child. to shape him, help mold his perceptions of the world, and teach him about all the things we value.
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